I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
