Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
