so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
