i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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