I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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