How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
