My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
