I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
