Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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