i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
