I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
