fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
