who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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