some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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