Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
