So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I would ride that face into the sunset
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
