well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
