You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
two words: eviction party
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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