i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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