the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
