That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Randomize
