sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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