drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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