I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
