I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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