I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
