I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
