At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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