is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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