I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
