Define "chronic" masturbator.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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