Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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