You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
