it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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