Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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