I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
