nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
