It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
As shirtless as possible
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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