Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You dont lie about slip and slides
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
