Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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