Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
