A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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