Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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