i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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