a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
that's an acceptable place to lick
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
