Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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