mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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