what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
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