I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
