Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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