i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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