You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
